Let it be noted that there was no coffee in the pot when THE INTERN showed up this morning.
Kindly Editor to INTERN: "Would you mind running up to the fifth floor and borrowing a stapler from Wusiness Beek? Ours just broke and we can't find the other one."
INTERN: "No problem!"
INTERN has never actually been to the necktie-studded environs of the Wusiness Beek office, though she frequently runs into WB editors in the lobby. Putting on her most professional air, she skips up two flights of stairs, pushes through a heavy fire door and arrives in a chrome-and-mahogany receptorium with the words WUSINESS BEEK displayed prominently on the wall.
A young man, presumably an intern himself, is sitting at the desk. Although THE INTERN has never seen this young fellow before, his eyes sparkle with (menace?) (recognition?) when she appears.
INTERN: "Hello there! I come from [publisher redacted]. May we borrow a stapler?"
Nemesis Intern, smiling: "Do you have an inter-office loan form?"
INTERN, flustered: "No. I can run get one, I guess."
INTERN turns around to leave.
Nemesis Intern, producing high quality stapler from a drawer and setting it tantalizingly on the corner of his desk: "That's OK. You can just leave your phone number."
INTERN suddenly gets the impression she is being messed with. But she hasn't had any coffee this morning, so it could just be her mind playing tricks on her. She scrutinizes the young man. He is reclining in his chair in a posture of relaxation and ultimate leisure. His tone of voice suggests flirtation.
INTERN set to destroy.
INTERN, real life: (snatches stapler and runs away).
INTERN, fantasy life: (in perfect femme fatale I'm-gonna-bust-some-heads voice) "Sure. Do you have an inter-office phone number retrieval form?" (takes out battle axe and reduces Nemesis Intern's desk to rubble).
INTERN is now hiding out in the warm bosom of [publisher redacted] hoping Wusiness Beek doesn't send down their goons to retrieve that stapler.
In other news, it's generally a bad idea to hire a "talented illustrator" to make sample illustrations for your book before it's published, or to illustrate your self-published book in the hopes of making it look more professional. 99.9% of the time the illustrations are not what a publisher would have in mind anyway, and it just make everyone feel sad that you spent so much money.