THE INTERN interrupts her daily romp through the slush pile to bring you this newsbreak: God is not on your team. Today alone, THE INTERN has had to send rejection letters to three people who thought he was . Newsflash: If God was on your team, you wouldn't need to be sending me a book proposal. That shit would come to me in a vision, and I would contact you.
In particular, THE INTERN's life would be less full of bullshit if people would stop sending in letters like the following:
I have been trying to manifest the perfect publisher for my manuscript for the past seven years. I felt a strong energetic connection to your publishing house when I ran my finger over your listing in Writer's Market, and feel strongly that your house will help me manifest my world-changing book."
I'm manifesting a rejection letter.
Every night, my children (Orbit, 6, and Chewy, 3 and a half) pray to Jesus to help us find a publisher for the book we wrote together, called "All Jesus' Pretty Flowers." Will that publisher be you?"
Dear Born-Again Joe:
I am channeling this cover letter to you from King Tutenkamen, dead for thousands of years. King Tut has been channeling messages through me for the past 20 years. He now has a dire message for all of humanity in the advent of 2012. Here he is:
(this is King Tut talking now): Dear Publisher, Publish my book or I send a plague of ten thousand scorpions."
Dear King Tut,
We are interested in seeing a full manuscript...
It's OK to be a psychic, it's OK to have a religion, it's OK to be on a hippy trip. But unless it's directly relevant to the content of your book, keep it outta my face...