Thursday, July 23, 2009

den of frivolity

Last night while listening to the radio and drinking some sedative tea, INTERN had some deep psychic communication with Beyonce of Destiny's Child, who shared the following publishing insights with INTERN:

"If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

She's clearly talking to publishers who rejected a manuscript, only to kick themselves when said manuscript is picked up by a publisher with better abs.

"Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my auto-mo-bills? If you did then maybe we could chill."

INTERN already covered this one a zillion posts ago, but it bears repeating: Beyonce is now speaking as a publisher, letting writers know she wants manuscripts that bring home the bacon. Or is she speaking as a writer demanding a substantial advance? Can she chill with Harper-Collins, but not a small indie house? How big are her auto-mo-bills anyway?

"I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me." *INTERN has been alerted that this is actually a TLC song. INTERN can only assume Beyonce must have consulted with them at some point.*

Scrub = unagented ms from the slush pile. No love from Beyonce.

"My man's been cheating on me. Been running round here with this little tenderoni."

Man = author. Little tenderoni = rival publisher/agent. No love.

"Ladies, leave your man at home. The club is full of ballers and they pockets' full grown."

Obviously a call for female writers to leave the house and go mob some literary agents ("ballers") at a writer's conference ("club"). But only agents with really big pockets.

"You'll be sayin' no, no, no, no no when it's really yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah."

Every author's response to rejection letters.

Upon massive public consensus, INTERN is going to take a break in a pleasant sea-side sanitarium (figuratively) and be back sometime next week. Peace.


  1. Brilliant! This song always irked me and now it all makes sense. Who knew Beyonce had broken the literary world down for the unworthy masses to understand? Of course this enlightenment had to be hidden by that jarring annoying back beat.

  2. I have a whole new respect for Beyonce. I *knew* there had to be subtext I was missing...

  3. WHAT? You'll be gone for week? Does Beyonce have a song about a dealer getting you hooked and skipping town because that would be about right.

  4. Lol! It's been forever since I heard that song! Thank you for putting it in context.

  5. That was simply, brilliant. Beyonce must be the publishing guru. LoL

  6. It makes perfect sense that Beyonce/Destiny's Child and TLC (with the Scrubs love thrown in) would be dialed in to publishing long before the rest of us. It must be all that dancing in high heels....

  7. I feel the need to point out that "No Scrubs" is actually by TLC. Rest in peace, Left Eye. Girl had wisdom.

  8. really diggin your blog Intern. Enjoy the beach!

  9. I'm probably going to get a variety of glares for this, but the scrubes bit was a TLC song :)

  10. Sunna, have you seen her dance?... that's SUBTEXT!!

    Haste yee back ;-)

  11. Oh my're a freakin' riot! You are funnier than I am...for that...I bow to you.

    What about the songs on her I AM...SASHA FIERCE ALBUM?

  12. So THIS is what all the Beyonce fuss is about. Damn, I think I owe her an apology. Except that I still hate her voice. Hmm. I'm torn.

  13. Intern, If I Were a Boy, I'd ask you out. And if you were to Disappear, I'd be a Broken-Hearted Girl. Because I can see your Halo from here. Sweet Dreams at the sanitarium.

  14. When you get back from your break you should do more with lyrics.

  15. Good blog-- editorial ass put me on to you with this post. Thanks for (maybe inadvertently) helping my quest:

  16. When will you be pouring out the sedative tea again?

    I'll bring the finger sandwiches (Men.)