Tuesday, January 26, 2010

on billfoldic transduction

a monograph by techie boyfriend

I have just received sad news from our dear INTERN: travelling alone in The Big City, she has been pock-picketed. Why this kindly creature should be marked is beyond me, but I have taken it upon myself to request, nay demand acts of vigilante kindness directed toward the object of our mutual admiration.

But first, the story...

In this episode, INTERN jets to The Big Apple in the course of her bloggerly duties (no, truly, didn't she tell you she was talking @ NYU? I am so very proud). She finds her meager billfold snatched from her pocket whilst frolicking innocently amidst the glory of the NYPL.

A description of the pilfered purse: INTERN's wallet looks like its about 15 years old, fading black, is decorated with the peeling image of a california raisin in roller skates, contains no credit cards, and probaby carries less than 14 cents in cash. Should you find it when digging through a NYC dumpster (you know, The Economy), you know what to do.

But on to the vigilante kindness: should you encounter my dear INTERN while she is on this trip (and I know some of you new yorkers will!), I am sure she would appreciate a friendly treat. Amongst other things, she is very fond of raw beets, small curious objects, pen and ink sketches, dark chocolate, quiet places to read, mushroom gluten, and kind words.

-this episode ghost-written from snow-capped mountains by yours truly, "techie" BOYFRIEND.

Note from a very tired and surprised INTERN who has just discovered this post:

OMG! It's all true!

Mystery of INTERN's true identity and location = now 300% more mysterious.

Message to Techie Boyfriend: please make it home from those snow-capped mountains alive so INTERN can give you the gift of a bagel or some kind of knish from this Metropolis, and adoration!

31 comments:

  1. Sorry INTERN. That blows.
    I hope karma and the Fates take the douche who picked your pocket, bends him over into position, and make them heir bitch.
    At least you didnt have any credit cards etc. in it.

    And...mushroom gluten???? Maybe the fates should just give douchebag some of that. Sounds damn nasty.

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  2. That is the most adorable thing I have seen anywhere. Seriously. Someone should write a romantic comedy screenplay around this very missive.

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  3. Hugs to the Intern - and her Techie Boyfriend!

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  4. Aw, big hugs, and congrats on the NYU gig! I hope it turns into a great trip after all.

    (I confess it never occurred to me that INTERN did not already live in NYC.)

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  5. I'm all for vigilante kindness.

    Very cool on NYU, and good to hear from you, Techie Boyfriend. We've heard a lot about you. :-)

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  6. Kate - I heard she lives in Pablo, Montana.

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  7. Having called down unwell wishes upon a deserving miscreant, and finding to my satisfaction that it was so, the outcome and fallout was more horrid than I would have wished upon anyone. I too paid a horrible price.

    Watch The Word! what is wished for might be too high a price, deserved or otherwise.

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  8. As a fan of INTERN, I appreciate knowing about this horrendous attack against INTERN's happiness, Techie Boyfriend.

    May the arse who stole said billfold be smashed by a renegade city bus.

    I will send a care package of all the good vibes I can find to The Big Apple. Which should be a MULTITUDE, since good vibes don't take up much space, and won't be needlessly bogged down by packing materials.

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  9. We're pretty sure someone just bought her a Yuengling.

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  10. I LOVE techie boyfriend.

    My final word? Let pickpocketer get smashed by renegade city bus only after he feels the wrath of Yeungling-induced Intern. She will teach him a lesson or two.

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  11. INTERN does not already live in the big apple??!!! I just assumed...wasn't she working around multi floored building with Wusiness Beek on the door? That would not be Montana.
    I'm befuddled.

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  12. Sorry for the befuddlement, Vacuum Queen - I was just joking about Montana.

    And hail to General Kael for coming to the Intern's aid.

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  13. Thanks for the wellwishes (and the Yuengling—is that how you spell it? crazy!)

    Vacuum Queen: Wusiness Beek was a clever substitute for *another* stuffy magazine a floor above the first publisher where INTERN interned.

    There are many cities in the world........perhaps INTERN inhabits them all!!!

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  14. Okay, this message is for both Intern AND Techie Boyfriend.

    Intern: I am hoping against hope the knish that you are purchasing is "street knish" (meaning, obviously, bought from a street cart). The kind with the mustard inside.

    And Techie Boyfriend: Holy shit, you need to try street knish. I have it every time I go to NYC and it is always a treat. Even though it once inspired my trying to deep fry mashed potatoes and completely ruining the deep fryer my mom got me when I got my first apartment.

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  15. Oh. Also. While you're there, Intern, try street knish. Have I mentioned how good street knish is? No? Ask Techie Boyfriend.

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  16. So sorry to hear about this! I wish I could help. If you ever come to London... (England)

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  17. Ditto all the "awww...'s!" Sorry you had that experience. The only time I was even close to being pocket picked was in Rome by a group of kids. It was a fast layover, and I was determined to see as much art as possible, so there was no time for pleasantries and I think I ended up growling at the kids to make them go away. Unfortunately this technique does not work on my own...
    Please let us know if you try knish!
    :-)

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  18. Oh no! That's terrible. Sadly I am not in New York, but you have my warm wishes for a continued safe trip.

    I agree with the consensus, this is the cutest thing ever. Such a sweet boyfriend. Definitely a keeper. :)

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  19. I'd offer you my handy in-case-of-emergency supply of dark chocolate, but I'm nowhere near New York. Sorry to hear about your difficulties!

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  20. All big city people gotta learn the diff atween *being felt up -and- someone heistin' yer wallet!"

    We got one 'ole retired Mail mule left; do I have to gitty-up up from Arkansas to school y'all?

    Haste yee back ;-)

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  21. Awwwww to this post :). So adorable!

    And now arrrrgh! in response to be pock-picketed :(. I bet you miss that awesome raisin wallet. Our sympathies, INTERN!

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  22. Pock-picker will pay a karmic price. Romantic post worthy of Bogie and Bacall or Gable and Lombard...showing my age, let's try Brad & Angie. May the rest of both your trips, INTERN and Techie boyfriend, be wonderlishous until are reunited.

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  23. Hi, Techie Boyfriend! You totally earned Awesome Points with this post. INTERN, so sorry about the wallet! I'll be in NYC this weekend, and if I find it, I'll let you know!

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  24. So sorry INTERN. :( I'm relieved to hear you didn't have any credit cards or cash in said wallet. It's good to know I'm not the only one who carries her cash in other places on her person. wink wink

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  25. So sorry to hear about your experience INTERN.

    I searched for some pen & ink drawings to scan and post for you, but could only find dusty half-finished sketches of mansions and gothic castles that I was going to build when I grew up. So I'll just have to make do with warm wishes and kind thoughts instead.

    P.S. They would most definitely have had lots of quiet places to read, though, and hidden pantries and cellars full of dark chocolate.

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  26. Look on the bright side. NYC is as fine a place as any to scrounge up another wallet.

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  27. Seems to me that Intern has a very nice "Techie" boyfriend. So sweet and kind, and defnitely cares a lot about her. Hope you both have a wonderful Valentines Day. AND, I hope you both prosper in your endeavors.

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  28. Oh, INTERN! So sorry! I see a money belt in your future. ;)

    Katz's Deli has the best Kanish.

    Waving hello to the Techie Boyfriend!
    :)
    G.

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  29. Sorry - that's Knish.
    How California of me.
    :D
    G.

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  30. Aw, thanks Botanist for thinking of drawings! (and, um, EVERYONE! for commenting)

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