why you really don't want to get published (part 2)

-Somewhere out there, a publicist will start sending out extremely misleading press releases about your book and yourself. These press releases will make highly dubious claims as to the unsurpassed quality of your book and the charm and charisma of your person. Also, they will (mistakenly) claim you live in Pablo, Montana (when you have in fact never even been to Montana) to cover up the fact that you are, effectively, homeless.

-The author photo you provide to your publisher will be stretched, squashed, pixellated, and maybe converted to sepia so that you look as much like a post-apocalyptic iguana as possible.

-Reviewers you don’t know and have never met will be sent advance copies of your book. Though there’s no way you can know this for sure (yet!), you are certain that they are at this very moment flipping through it with an expression of smoldering disdain (or, alternatively, stifling their gag reflex).

-Though there’s no way you can know this for sure (yet!), you are certain that, at this very moment, there is someone out there penning a death threat with your name on it because you somehow managed to insult them with your book.

-Against your better judgement, you will agree to make some sort of Author Appearance which will either be a) grievously under-attended or b) attended only by belligerent old ladies in the advanced stages of psychosis or c) attended by a disappointed audience of would-be fans who assumed you were way doper than you actually are.

-As soon as the book is published, your name will be associated exclusively with a) seventeenth century teapots b) teenage sleuths with eating disorders c) Living With Scabies d) some other narrow topic that only defines 0.1% of your actual life and interests but has now come to define your entire public identity.


Readers who have had a book published—care to add?

Comments

  1. Ugggh, wish I could, but I really do want to get published.

    If there's one thing I've noticed, things only get harder the farther along you get when writing books, though you always think you're in the hardest moment at that time: I'm writing the book and I think I'll never finish; I finish the book and I think I'll never stop editing; I edit the book and I think I'll never write a query, get an agent, get published, and....start another book all over again.

    It's exhausting. I both dread and desire the day I finish editing my book.

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  2. I've decided I can live with all that. Except the bit about looking like an iguana.

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  3. My books were published by Scholastic, but they kinda forgot about them the second they were published. You should feel lucky the publisher is doing something for you...anything. Signing books for psychotic little old ladies is an author's rite of passage. Enjoy it. And hey, those reviewers might be loving your book, not gagging.

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  4. One reviewer will praise your work for the complexity of your intertwining plotlines - and another will say there was "too much going on."

    LOL
    G.

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  5. Meh. I'm a former child actress. That means I've already been the subject of misleading articles (including being misquoted by people who promised to let me see the article before it went to press, then IGNORED MY EDITS and/or MADE UP TOTAL CRAP and attributed it to me after my supposed "proofread"), I've been invited to an event where they in fact thought they were inviting someone else entirely (our last names were similar), and I've already gotten a death threat. At least you're getting a book out of it.

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  6. After my book was published I didn't get asked to my class reunion.

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  7. Suffering through similar ordeals with reptilian publisher types. Amazing how they only like their own kind of iguana. What colour is my iguana? I think they are like cameleons, changing colour with their surrounds. Hope they liked Fear and Loathing; cause that's what I'm giving them when they ask me to change colours. Nobody should edit artists unless they look like a rich iguana with a more refined cultural propensity.

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  8. Bring it! I have Valium and lavender.

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  9. That's okay. Blogs are for correcting these errors. :)

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  10. The Author Event part is the bit that makes me sweaty just thinking about :). Good luck, INTERN!

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  11. What? Your publisher provides a publicist? I have to do all my own lying about myself and my book!

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  12. Doubt is good. It's every writer's natural condition. At least the better ones. Here's William Gibson, back in 1986, on his first book:

    All during the writing of the book I had the conviction that I was going to be permanently shamed when it appeared... I always feel like one of the guys inside those incredible dragons you see snaking through the crowds in Chinatown. Sure, the dragon is very brightly colored, but from the inside you know the whole thing is pretty flimsy - just a bunch of papier-mache and balsa struts.

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  13. Anon 1:54: Valium and lavendar? Capital idea! (especially for book signings)

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  14. WHAT'S IT CALLED?????!!!!! (Let us read, review and chop you up instead. After all, we already love you).

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  15. Medicine Man Thunder Pants once admonished Haste yee back... "Stifle gag reflex... shit pants!"

    Haste yee back ;-)

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  16. Aimee: INTERN has decided to keep her INTERN persona and "writer of dubious books" persona separate. It is better for INTERN's sanity! :)

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  17. Genella deGrey said...

    "One reviewer will praise your work for the complexity of your intertwining plotlines - and another will say there was 'too much going on.'"

    And then a third one will say that the plot was too straightforward.

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  18. First time on your blog. Love this post! FOLLOWED! :)

    http://aclairedawn.blogspot.com

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  19. No photo shopping necessary...

    New pants and a shower after reading your post-- a must!

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  20. Once you're published, your family and friends assume you have royalties coming out your ears.

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  21. Death threats, no problem. (Bring it. Better put two in my head fast, because if I get my hands on ...well, I've got some pent up anger to work out.)
    Reviewers dont scare me. (let 'em gag, you cant make everyone happy.)
    Publicist lying about who I am or where I live, etc...all good. (I like my privacy. I dont want fame. I dont use my real last name or say where i live anyway.)

    Book signing/author appearance??? The back of my neck is prickling, and a layer of cold sweat covers me just thinking about it. There isnt enough valium, lavender AND TEQUILA in the world to make me want to do that. It's not the public speaking I fear, it is exactly your a), b) and c) scenarios that terrify me; my worst nightmares. *shudder* I'd prefer to stick a rusty fork in my eye (or living with scabies/rabies/babies) than risk those possibilities.

    GOOD LUCK with your book INTERN!!
    You're a marvelous (aka totally dope) writer. I predict so much success that you will be able to move into your own apartment, sans vampire and dumpster diving, granola eating roommates.
    When does the new internship begin at Fancy-Schmancy?


    ~lola

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  22. Your last sentence defined the beginning and end of my career as an artist. I had been painting for years, but the only paintings that ever got recognizable awards were of a rather fantastical series of pigs. Pigs. It became all anyone ever wanted to see from me. I took a ten year break from the paintbrush and took up the pen, er, keyboard.

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  23. You forgot to mention - your next project is...

    You do know the book you took years to write must now be followed up with another of like style and merit within nine months.

    New truth, dear intern. Babies have to birthed continuously - every nine months. Unless you're an elephant and then you get a year.

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  24. After my book was published, the game of the year was asking how much actually happened and how much was made up.

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  25. LOL Anon 9:14! Wouldn't it be great if amateur book reviewers were required to post their IQ and Comprehension scores? Then at least we'd be able to consider the source.
    :D :D :D
    G.

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  26. - Someone will leave a scathing Amazon review of your book in which they admit they only read the first two chapters.

    - Someone will leave a negative review of your book on Amazon because their order got lost.

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