Monday, March 8, 2010

in which INTERN is not destined for the Dep't of Marketeering

Today, INTERN was excited to be given the task of writing sales copy for several Venny McP titles, to appear in a forthcoming catalogue. Determined to produce the most tantalizing sales copy ever written, INTERN spent most of the morning reading through past catalogues to get an idea of what said sales copy is supposed to sound like and ultra-familiarizing herself with the books and authors in question. She started making notes. Writing drafts. Joggling sentences around to portray said books in the most flattering possible light.

Somehow, her first several attempts just didn’t seem tantalizing enough:

The Glory of the WonderBees is Ozzy McTwillop’s brightest and most ambitious work yet…

In The Glory of the WonderBees, MacArthur fellow Ozzy McTwillop is at his earthshattering finest…

So INTERN figured she just wasn’t trying hard enough:

Readers’ very souls will be ransacked by the staggering power of three-time National Book Award winner Ozzy McTwillop’s new saga The Glory of the WonderBees…

Ozzy McTwillop’s prose is nothing short of catastrophic in this white-hot work of…

As the afternoon wore on, INTERN’s attempts became more and more…promising. Or they seemed promising to INTERN, who had by this point lost all sense of perspective.

Finally, a Marketing Person came by to check on INTERN’s progress. INTERN was only too happy to oblige with a sample.

To which quoth the Marketing Person, “It’s literary fiction, honey, not Dante’s Peak.”

INTERN has never seen Dante’s Peak, but spent the last few minutes at work nervously reading its entry on IMDB. Dante’s Peak is nothing like The Glory of the WonderBees.

INTERN is humbled and determined to return tomorrow with white-hot, catastrophic levels of determination.


  1. Oh sweet INTERN, wanting to learn everything is admirable.

    Marketing Person didn't really call you 'honey', like, in a condescending way, right? Them's fighting' words.

  2. Damn. Maybe Pierce Brosnan will save the day...?

  3. Catalog copywriting is pitching product to consumers so they absolutely must have it. Consumer resonance with a product's identity, enticing consumers into a private experience they must experience for themselves, a personal dilemma possessing the product promises to resolve. Gosh, sounds like a query letter's pitch to me.

  4. I'm liking Venny McP less and less on INTERN'S behalf. But sadly, I know how INTERN feels and sympathize wholeheartedly. Learning everything is an admirable goal and some day when INTERN rules the world (with techie boyfriend as consort of course) then we might need to revisit these moments...

  5. Wow. I don't think I'd want that job. Writing novels is hard enough.

  6. I'd hate to imagine what the sales copy for litfic looks like.

  7. You're cute. Keep at it. You'll show 'em.

  8. I'm laughing all by myself... must look a bit crazy to the bugs flying around the house.

    Thanks for the morning laugh! I sense a fun contest in there. If you feel like giving away cool prizes like church pews and goat horns.

  9. Writing catalog copy is no easy task - it's so hard not to sound cliche! Best of luck...

  10. Okay... this was adorable :3. We feel for you, INTERN!

  11. Can't you just promise that the book will improve my love life and increase the size of his "special place" by 245%?

  12. Doesn't sound like a fun task -

    Where are those frickin' werehummingbirds when you need them?

  13. You HAVE to see Dante's Peak. They spend like half the movie trying to save Grandma from the fire breathing mountain and then - trembling on the cusp of salvation- she mysteriously hurls herself into the lake of acid and bubbles to death before our very eyes. That scene is the pinnacle of artistic achievement.

  14. Kevin: You just totally gave away the best part? How can INTERN ever watch it now? Graaaaaaaah!

  15. So, is it a fair guess that Marketing Person won't recognize the 8th Circle of Hell, but will probably try to talk his/her way out of it? :-)