INTERN and Techie Boyfriend's residency at their mountain hideaway is swiftly coming to a close as the owner prepares to rent out their cabin to more lucrative and slightly sinister-sounding Summer People. As a result, INTERN has been spending a lot of time on craigslist looking for a cheap place to live.
"Just a little cabin tucked in the woods somewhere," thought INTERN. "A quiet place to finish those revisions. It doesn't even need indoor plumbing."
With this fantasy in mind, INTERN looked at postings for dozens of cabins and apartments advertised as "perfect for a writer or artist."
Well, it turns out landlords have some pretty in-ter-esting ideas about what writers are looking for in a writing cabin. Here are the features, taken directly from craigslist posts, that no writer can live without:
“on demand hot water”
You read that right, people—hot water's on DEMAND. That means no more formal application process for taking a shower.
“extra-large walk-in closet”
Perfect for storing all those designer shoes writers are constantly buying. No wait, it’s for storing all those bulky manuscripts writers are constantly printing. Or for hiding all those bodies writers are constantly axe-murdering. Or some combo of all three.
“includes satellite TV”
For keeping the writer's significant other entertained while the writer does yet another round of revisions. Because lord knows writers' partners don't have a life calling of their own.
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA. Oh West Marin, you are too funny.
“single individual ONLY. no guests”
Because writers hate nothing more than OTHER HUMANS.
“stunning spiral staircase”
So when people ask the writer when the writer's book’s coming out, the writer can distract them by saying, “Look, it’s a spiral staircase!”
Plowing extra? Plowing extra what? Are we talking wheat fields here? Snow? Will the writer be snowed in with her manuscript if she can't afford to pay extra? Would you leave the writer to starve or freeze, her fingers still poised over the keys?
“BIG dogs welcome”
From what INTERN can gather, this means NYT bestselling authors only, unknown poets need not apply. Snooty, no?
“Previously tenanted by the retired editorial editor of The Providence Journal!”
Come on, writers—that’s, like, second only to living in Jack Kerouac’s house.
“am looking for “normal” couple to live here”
Does that mean Techie Boyfriend can’t wear a dress?
“wood burning fireplace”
Don’t you mean, rejection letter-burning fireplace?
Suffice to say, INTERN has not found the perfect writing cabin yet. If anyone is skimming the classifieds and happens to see one, please pass it along.*
*but no plowing of any kind. please.