This morning, INTERN found a blood-stained envelope stuffed under the door of her cabin. When she opened it, a royalty statement tumbled out, accompanied by a frantic note:
HELP. PUBLISHER TRYING TO KILL ME.
When INTERN inspected the royalty statement more closely (as you can do by clicking on it), she began to see why...
The royalty statement contained all the usual contents (a quick glossary is included below to jog your minds). But how to explain the sinister royalty rate of 6.66%? Or the curious use of the number 8 in the word "St8tement?"
INTERN wanted to believe that this chilling royalty statement was the work of a psychopath...but alas, it was practically indistinguishable from pretty much EVERY royalty statement INTERN has seen, right down to the blood stains.
Confused? Here's how to decipher the statement:
Royalty Statement Glossary
Regular sales – Low Discount: The number of books sold at a "low discount" to bookstores etc.
Regular sales -High Discount: The number of books sold at a bigger discount to
chains, book clubs, etc.
Regular sales – Five Finger Discount: The number of books stolen by local hoodlums
Reserve Against Returns: Amount of $ your publisher is witholding in case bookstores send back unsold boxes of books.
Reserve Against Martinis: Amount of $ your publisher is witholding for Happy Hour.
Total Copies Sold: The number of books your adoring readership has shelled out for.
Total Copies Sold To Your Mom: The number of books your mother has secretly stockpiled in the basement.
$100,000,000,000: The amount of money you figured your book would probably make in its first year.
$40,000: The amount of money you WOULD be making per year if you had chosen a reasonable profession like teaching or dental hygiene.
1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21: Fibbonaci sequence.
14, 6, 22, 31, 5): Your lucky numbers as revealed by a fortune cookie the accountant was munching on while preparing your royalty statement.
INTERN wishes you a happy Halloween—trade you snickers for reeses...