If you're reading this blog, THE INTERN assumes that you either know THE INTERN and are just being nice, or you have some interest in eventually getting a book published.
If you're the former, thank you. If you're the latter: crazy mofo, what are you THINKING?
Getting a book published is not all that. In fact, it will ruin your life (at least temporarily). Want to live in a perpetual state of frayed nerves, paranoia and shame-facedness? Get your damn book published.
THE INTERN must, at this point, reveal, that THE INTERN herself is in the process of having a book published. It isn't my fault—there were no query letters, rejection slips, or postage stamps involved—it's just something that happens when you ride the wrong elevator at the wrong time. BAM! Book deal. Like that one, faintly remembered episode of carnal enthusiasm, you wake up the next morning with this THING that follow you around for the rest of your life. Except instead of open sores, that THING is a book.
Here's why you don't actually want to get a book deal.
1. If you get a book deal, you will have to sign a book contract.
And that contract has a single purpose: to bone you. If you have leverage, you may be able to get a contract that will bone you slightly less. Otherwise, bend over and assume the position. Then prepare to be tormented by it for years to come.
2. Any emotional stability you have right now will be destroyed.
THE INTERN has bipolar disorder, so perhaps it is understandable that said book deal has sent THE INTERN into a tailspin of alternating highs ("INTERN FAMOUS") and lows ("INTERN MEDIOCRE PIECE OF SLIME"). But even if you haven't been declared clinically off your rocker, your book deal will fuck with your head. You will question your self-worth, and the quality of your writing, and whether you made the right decision in signing that humdinger of a contract (see #1) or should have held out for something that would leave you with more than two royalty checks a year for seventy-five cents each.
3. People will ask what your book is about.
You will be momentarily excited about having a book published, and in that moment you will tell everyone you know. They will naturally ask "What is your book about?", thinking they might be talking to the next David Foster Wallace. When you tell them your book is called "100 Tea Cozies You Can Knit," their faces will fall. "Oh," they'll be thinking to themselves, "so he's not really a writer." Eventually, you will be so shell-shocked and defensive about your book's subject matter, you will snarl and say "What's it to ya?" when anyone asks.
4. You'll still be the same old trashbag as you were before the book was published.
You will not transform overnight into a sophisticated and socially-savvy Author. You will not be prettier. You will not become more popular (see #3). You will not be richer. You will not be recognized in the streets. Odds are, you'll be exactly where you were before said book was published, only significantly more neurotic.
Friends, it's time to BACK AWAY FROM YOUR COPY OF "WRITER"S MARKET" AND GO VOLUNTEER FOR ORPHANED CHILDREN.
That is all.